(mis)conceptions blog

The Healing Process

2012-01-23T16:33:00.002-05:00

The last few weeks have been rough on everyone in her home. Chris was hit by a truck while biking to The Coffee District two weeks ago. The impact left him in need of knee surgery from a tibial plateau fracture. The recovery will last anywhere from 8-16 weeks and will include no weight barring on the injured leg and patience on my part... which I seem to have none of.

I am short fused at times with him and lash out at things that don't deserve lashing. I am overwhelmed, for sure. There is no such thing as "Can you help me get Cameron dressed?" in our house anymore. Now its a matter of "When I finish helping Daddy get dressed, I will get you dressed, Cameron."

It can be draining but I have never been a calm person. I am high strung and short fused on my best days. So when Chris asks for a napkin and I return with one and than asks for water and when I come back reminds me of something he asked me for thirty minutes prior... I snap. And its not fair.

I have to get my stress under control.

Rest In Peace, 2011 Part Two

2011-12-30T12:22:00.000-05:00

Some where in 2011 a lot of good things did happen... So lets talk about those things....

I built a friendship with this amazing girl. Becki came to visit me in FL from PA in February.

She became a great friend through some troubling times. We met online and now we are friends.. Real friends. I love her. Thank you, 2011 for bringing Becki to Miami.

Rest In Peace, 2011.

2011-12-28T14:58:00.000-05:00

2011 was full of career changes, money loss, death, and major obstacles that seemed damn near impossible. There were a lot of positives too.... What was 2011 for me?

I was really excited about Starbucks cake pops after years of loving the original creator of the sweet and adorable confection, Bakerella. What a disappointment.

While we are talking about sweets.... What about cupcakes?

2011 brought the death of the cupcake. I hate cupcakes now. The number of cupcake shops, cupcake bakers, cupcake shows, and variations on the same exact recipe over and over again has beat the tiny cake out of my system. Which is sad.

It was not until 2011 that I full embraced a small vegetable that I turned my nose at for my previous 28 years. The Brussels Sprout. These delicious cultivars of wild cabbage are amazing.

Figs. I just like them. That is all. Either 2011 was the year for foodies or I am just getting braver in my food choices.

The end of 2011 showed a decrease in my iTunes charges after Spotify entered my life. No longer did I buy songs that I only wanted to hear right then and couldn't. No more stupid 99¢ charges for songs like "Sex & Candy"....

His & Her's OXFORDS!

Pinterest.com was invitation only throughout all of 2010 while it was in Beta. I didn't get my invite until one of my lucky friends was able to "invite" me in early 2011. Once I got my feet wet, Pinterest became the hub of all my inspiration for tasks that were realistic (like buying a house and decorating it) and some that were just plain stupid (like celebrities that I want to kiss... that board is no longer online).

More importantly pinterest brought ideas and beautiful things that I never would have thought on my own. There is no limit to what Pinterest may have. I just pinned this adorable image from a garden wedding....

I am not planning a wedding..... But that doesnt mean I can't pin 500 beautiful photos of them.....

....

......

.........right??

Sequins.

Devendra Banhart. Enough said. Soulful and just what the doctor ordered.

2011 made me bring my excel skills up...... like eight notches. And now I cannot imagine life without excel..... or pivot tables.

The dreaded lemon face.

I hate almost anything sour.... I never eat sour patch kids and salt & vinegar chips make me want to yack. but this year something amazing happened. I began to embrace a style of beer that only one year prior I compared to vomit. Sours. Sours! And the more sour the better.

How did this happen?

Dark Chocolate. Really dark chocolate. I used to be such a fan of milk chocolate and would turn my nose at the site of dark chocolate. But now as I have written this post I have eaten three pieces of Ghirardelli 72% dark chocolate courtesy of the office candy lady. I hate/love her.

In 2011 I also made some very good decisions. For starters at the beginning of the year I took on a photo job where no monies were going to be exchanged. There is something awful about these jobs.... the main reason is motivation. So we bartered. In exchange for photography work I would get a half sleeve tattoo, (clearly I was working with a tattoo artist...)

In the end it didn't work out... I took too long to complete the project, several images never were done, blah blah... So I never ended up with a sleeve tattoo... And to be honest... I am grateful. Here is the inspiration I came up with for my sleeve tattoo...

cupcakes, doodles of birds, polaroid images hanging from a clothes line, owls, tree branches....

yea, nope. I am still at the ripe age of 29 not mature enough to make a smart decision when it comes to marking up my body.

In any event, I am eager to put 2011 behind me and welcome 2012 with wide open arms..

2012

2011-12-23T11:45:00.000-05:00

About a year ago I created a list of the 50 Things I wanted to do before I turned 30 on October 27, 2012.
That list contained sensible things like "buy a bike and don't leave it somewhere it can be stolen" or "pay off your car" or "take your mom out to a really expensive dinner". And there were some that individually seemed doable but when combined, not at all... According to my list I have to visit four places by my birthday... Chicago, Portland, New York, and California. Luckily one of them was scratched off the list in October. To be honest, considering we just bought a house, I do not see us taking trips to NYC, Chicago, and Portland by fall of this year.... My goal in NYC was to have a hot dog on Coney Island... something I have never done. I actually did make a pretty decent dent in my list. Which you can view here. I should have made it 30 before 30.

So I know that some will carry over to my 30th birthday and can become part of my inevitable 40 Before 40 List.
But what about 2012?
What do I want from 2012?

2011 was not a good year for me. For many reasons it was a mess. But at the same time it brought closure to an ordeal I have been "dealing with' for four years or fifteen years... depending on how you look at it. In some senses it was good closure but it was hard at the same time and I am eager to put it behind me.... if I can.

What do I want from 2012?
Its pretty simple... I want life to be simple.
Two thousand and eleven brought death. It brought pain. Horrible accidents. Debt. and more pain. chris and I put an hour long drive between us and through some major changes we have made that gap non-existent.

I would just like a calm year.

That isn't much to ask for..... right?

California-A Week Away From Reality

2011-12-01T16:29:00.000-05:00

A flight of samples from Green Flash.

I spent a week in California at the end of October It was my second time in California but I accomplished so much more during this trip. I drank at and visited breweries, I got as close as possible to the Hollywood sign and wondered if they had replaced the "H" since Peg Entwistle stood on it, some 80 years ago. I saw San Diego and I ate Stone Breweries famous Mac & Cheese... but I was too drunk to enjoy it.. or remember to take a picture of it. When I went to California ten years ago I was very young and was not able to take in the cities nightlife. My feelings on LA have remained the same.. I do not get it LA.. But I have never wandered around LA with a local. It was not my scene. San Diego on the other hand was amazing. And so is San Francisco. The list of breweries that we went to is impressive to me.

So we went to....

Pizza Port-Carlsbad

Breakwater Brewing

Mother Earth Brew Co

Lost Abbey

Stone Brewing

Alpine Beer Company

Ballast Point Brewing Company

Alesmith Brewing

Green Flash Brewery

Coronado

Blind Lady Alehouse

Toronado San Diego

The Ritual

The Linkery

Pizza Port-Ocean Beach

Library Alehouse

Fathers Office

Far Bar Little Tokyo

Tonys Darts Away

Taps Fish House

The Bruery

Firestone Walker Brewing Company

Hollister Brewing Company

Here are the things that made me happy while in California....


Ahi Tuna Nachos from The Lime Truck at The Bruery's Black Tuesday.


The smell coming from the Barrel Aged room at Firestone Walker


Drinking Alaskan Smoked Porter in the clouds above Upland.


Eating Foie Gras ice cream at Father's Office.


Green Flash Brewing and their amazingly well lit brewery... and delicious beer.

Pizza Port. So yum.

It was a good time. :)

This blog

2011-11-15T14:29:00.002-05:00

I haven't left it. I just have nothing to write about.. but I will... I am working on it.

No Two Wheels.

2011-09-29T15:36:00.000-04:00

Last month Chris bought a Trek road bike so now all of us want one.

Neither of my older children have mastered the art of the two wheel bike yet.

This is my fault. They both have bikes and Jade has a skateboard and a scooter. A few weeks ago we set out on a journey from our apartment to Coffee District on bikes, skateboards, and scooters. Brooklyn was on her bike which has training wheels, Jade was on her scooter, I was on my longboard, + Chris was on his new bike with Cameron strapped in the co-pilot. We made it only 100 feet outside of our apartment when Brooklyn started complaining about how hot it was and how hard it was for her to ride her bike. So from there Brooklyn went on the front of the board and we all headed out on our journey. It was awful. Brooklyn wasn't standing straight while we attempted to board together, sometimes she would just hop off.

Cameron can hang onto Chris's hands and just cruise on the board without an issue.. Why can't my five year old?

She is funny like that.

I wish I taught the girls how to ride their bikes sooner. I can come up with a ton of excuses but all boils down to pure laziness.

We were so sweaty that day.

But now because of Chris's super awesome bike, I want one a roadbike and I want the kids to start learning to ride themselves...

Sooon.. I hope.

A Thank You That Cannot Be Sent

2011-09-25T14:02:00.000-04:00

The best thing about the internet is the way we all put our thoughts and feelings out there in a way that we think will end up never being seen by anyone. A few months ago I expressed some regrets of something I had done in 2002. I wrote briefly about it and thought that even though I loosely mentioned other parties, those other parties would never know that I had written about something we shared in private.
While purging my Facebook messages I came across one that never came to my inbox. Located deep in the archives was a letter from one of those parties. A letter I would have loved to read months ago. That other party mentioned my blog and said things that meant a lot to me and also made me feel very sad. I wanted to reach out to her but her Facebook is either blocking me or is no longer. So this is to you, the other party, you know who you are. If you are reading this.... Thank you for your letter, your understanding, and for being you... If ever you want to talk, I am here.... You know where to find me..

Much Love,

S

Moments of Love

2011-09-20T00:22:00.000-04:00

Some of my most favorite pictures of my children, they are asleep.

They look peaceful, they are warmer to the touch, and most importantly they are quiet. Louis CK said in one of his stand-up specials that parents live for the tiny vacations away from their kids. The moment after you close the backseat door and that short walk around the car to the front is like a Caribbean cruise. Any parent, no matter how attentive, loves those moments.

I just took a quick peek at Cameron who is sleeping soundly in his crib. He looks peaceful, wrapped in his boutique crib bedding that costs more than the sheets on my bed and have a lingering smell of sour milk. For the life of me, I cannot get that smell out of his quilt. I went against the wishes of the designer and threw that overpriced puppy into the washer.... Did that work? Nope. I might be going mad but there is a smell of milk surrounding Cameron. There is nothing under the crib, and the mattress is made of that wonderful material that wipes clean and doesn't absorb. Who knows. In any event he looks peaceful. Who would have known only hours before he was was driving me bananas with his current fascination with the whipped cream canister that is in the fridge.

I am an espresso junkie. And when I make my espresso shots in the morning I pair them with whipped cream and caramel drizzle. Cameron become fascinated with sound that the canister makes when it sprays out my whipped cream in the morning. So now Cameron would like to partake in this as well... To inform me that he wants a mouthful of whipped cream he stands at the fridge and makes a sound that can only be compared to someone struggling to breath behind a throat full of saliva.... kinda like a whipped canister spraying out whipped cream. He will do this until you come over, open the fridge, and squirt a dollop on his tongue.

The worst part of this story is that its not only Cameron who craves whipped cream. Except unlike Cameron my older children are fully capable of grabbing the canister out of the fridge... What they aren't capable of is remembering that they have to hold the canister upside down... And therefore they end up spraying it into their mouths improperly.... you know... like a junkie....

The other day I told them to stay away from the whipped cream and that if they wanted a dollop of it they had to ask.. After catching Brooklyn with the can in her mouth spraying disappointed that nothing but "air" was coming out, I freaked out... I immediately told her that people die from that and DONT DO IT AGAIN!

I realized shortly after that we are talking about a can of whipped cream, not the concentrated nitrous that comes in the metal containers we used to buy at the kitchen store when we were 16.

I took to Google.... I immediately googled "Whipped Cream Can Dangerous" and came to find out that there is hardly enough nitrous in a can of commercial whipped cream to cause any damage let alone kill someone. So I lied. One of many lies I will tell my children over the years to keep them from doing something I do not want them to do. I will continue said lie because while it was scary to think they could end up brain damaged from huffing the dangerous whipped cream can, its annoying to try to squirt whipped cream on my piping hot espresso and end up with watery white goop.

I did it again.. I let my fingers type away as my mind wandered from one subject to the next.. I can't help myself.

In short, I was done with Cammy face tonight by the time bed hit.

Once it was quiet and he was sleeping soundly, I missed him... like always. I tried to watch TV, nothing was on. I viciously typed three blog entries that I hope to finish in the next year. I edited engagement photos, I worked on a website I am contracted to complete, and while all of these projects were open I continously peeked on my Cameron.. I was silently hoping he was dreaming about me. And that he was sleeping with happy thoughts. I hoped he didn't remember my short fuse before his little hit the pillow and he grabbed Elmo or "Mo" and drifted off into sleep... in his milk scented sheets.

Better Than Sex Take 2

2011-09-09T15:39:00.000-04:00

There are some things in life that are so good, they should be illegal. One of those things is the red velvet cheese cake from Better Than Sex in Key West or The One Night Stand which is brie cheese and dark chocolate on a fluffy bread and paired with a berry proseco soup... it is supposed to be a sexy and desert spin on grilled cheese and tomato soup. I had a glass of milk (why not read the previous post..) with a chocolate rim job. I can make a lot of comments about receiving a chocolate rim job in front of a bunch of people but I won't.... The whole place is full of tongue and cheek dessert names like "Between My Red Velvet Sheets" or "Jungle Fever" & "The Missionary Crisp" I have gone two years in a row and both times I have fallen head over heels for two seperate desserts. I photographed Kelly, one of their servers and the namesake behind Kelly's Klimax (a cocktail on their menu) at a wedding earlier this year. She is a ball of personality and makes the experience so much more fun. I want to go to the Keys all the time just to experience ever dessert and hear her talk about them. The resturant is dark so I had to use my iPhone with the flash which is no fun for image quality but here are my two desserts from this past weekend...

I want to go back down there very soon.. hopefully before the end of the year. They close the shop for a month beginning on Labor Day so I will have to wait until October anyway... but damn I want some more chocolate... I have been googling like mad trying to find a recipe for their red velvet cheesecake... No dice. Maybe if I get Kelly drunk this weekend while she is here in West Palm she will give it up? Doubtful... Its so good.. My goal is to bake a delicious red velvet cheesecake prior to Christmas...

I have a goal.. Maybe I will actually reach it!!!

10 Reasons I Could Never Be A Vegeterian.

2011-09-09T11:18:00.001-04:00

There are a ton of "Go Vegan: End Hunger" posts flooding my FB wall lately. It really annoys me. I am by no means anti-veganism or anti-vegeterian. I just do not believe for a millisecond that by simply giving up meat, animal by products, and processed foods we will end hunger. Radicals of any form frustrate me especially those that think by telling the world to follow their way of living the world will change entirely. Its very arrogant.
I agree that by limiting your intake of animal meat and processed foods you will inturn help the enviorment. I am well aware that livestock farming accounts for most of our enviormental damage, hey I saw Food Inc too.. I read The Omnivore's Dilemma. I am a learned lover of Earth too... so don't quote Michael Pollan to me, I will turn a deaf ear.. I can appreciate the amount of care Vegans and Vegeterians take into spreading the word of their views but I hate the shock factor of skinny, malnourished, half dead children that are being used to push their anti-meat agenda. I want to educate the world on being Atheist and understanding that most hate and war is fueled by Religion however, I am not posting half dead pictures of Afghani children who are injured or dying from a war fueled by hate and Religion. The images I am seeing on FB are not going to change my views nor are they going to make me want to stop eating the salmon waiting for me in my fridge. The main woman who is posting images on FB just became a Vegan... Literally she was stuffing pepperoni pizza in her fat face less than a year ago. Just because you recently saw Forks + Knives doesn't mean you are going to be taken serious. Trust me, if I had to guess; in less than eight months you will be eating a burger outside of a Wendy's drive thru. I am not trying to be mean about you, you are just always changing your self based on documentaries and you always return to your gluttonous ways. So I just have to assume you are on a short road back to where you began... Thanksgiving is just around the corner, afterall.

Here are my reasons for never changing my diet as dramatically as you see fit..... . Regardless of what it may do for World Hunger...

Fish. Simple delicious fish. Wild caught? Sure, I can get behind that.. but limit it all together? Nah.. you will never change me.
Milk. There is no other way to eat my chocolate chip cookies(these are seperate reason)! Soy milk? No flipping way... Almond milk.. eh sometimes. But cows milk... sweet, sweet nectar. I know we are the only mammals that drink another mammals breastmilk... but its delish.. and mine is too sweet... so I will stick with the cow... Moooooo!
The Annual Birthday Steak. Every year I go out for dinner on my birthday for steak. I will stress this is not the only time that I have steak during the year but it is the most important. We splurge, we go to high end restaurants and leave stuffed with mid rare rib eye goodness.. We have gone to Michael's Geniune Food & Drink, Prime 112, and Cut 432 to name a few. Where this year? Who knows but its a month away.... :D The requirements for all birthday steak dinners are good size rib-eyes, rave Yelp! reviews, and good beer. Any recommendations for the 29th Steak dinner?
A Juicy Burger. I love a good burger. Cheesy (another reason in itself), juicy, and simple. I love burgers. They are not an every night thing but when it comes up, I do not want a black bean burger. If I am feeling like doing myself right, I will do a turkey burger or I will eat a portabello burger, especially a Shroom Burger from Shake Shack.. but I won't lie I would rather a Juicy Lucy.
Chocolate Cake. I know a vegeterian can eat chocolate cake.. And so can a vegan... but only the vegan version... But I am a creature of habit and this also goes back into the milk reason. I love a fudgy chocolate cake with a glass of whole milk... its like a pair of furry socks and a night of DVR'd episodes of The Daily Show.... pure comfort.
Mayonnaise. Whats a sandwich without some mayo? Whats a tuna sandwich with just olive oil? Whats a bottle of Veganisse? Boring... Thats what!
Bacon. I am not a crazed bacon fan. I don't eat strips of bacon by the handful. I am not the person at the breakfast table reaching for the last strip.. but when the mood strikes I love a BLT. This weekend I endulged in a breakfast at Blue Heaven in the Keys that was mind blowing. I am such a fan of Eggs Benedict and hollandaise sauce but on Saturday morning I experienced something completely different... A BLT benedict. BLT being Bacon, Lobster, and Tomato... covered under hollandaise sauce. Holy bloody mary! It was fantastico! Especially sided with Shrimp and Grits!! Saturday was awesome!
Cheese. Cheese is amazing and can be unexpected. I love goat cheese, blue cheese, hard cheese, soft cheese, I just plain love cheese.. And while you Vegans are enjoying your vegan substitutes, I am snacking on delicious salami and parm slices... I am sure you are enjoying yours.. I refuse to say goodbye to mine.
Chocolate Chip Cookies. There are vegan varities but mine is not. Again we go right back to milk.. Dunking my cookie is very important. I love my chocolate chip cookies... so very much.
Ease of choice. I hate people who are on diet restrictions. Its pretty frustrating when you are in a group of people and there is that one token person who cannot find one thing at any restaurant you stop at. And while I may not want to eat at the place everyone else picked I can at least find something I want/can to eat there...

Thats all.. I love food and I could never imagine not being able to sample it in all its glory....

Quality Panties?

2011-09-07T14:48:00.000-04:00

I recently came across something magical. Do not judge me for being so excited about something as silly as this... I just can't help it. Quality undies. Seriously... life is so much better when your underoos were made with care. I have lived most of my adult life thinking that what I hid under my pants was irrelevant. I could wear the cheap-o brands that come wrapped in plastic, 5 to a pack or I could wear the Target itchy brands that are 5/$20.... If I wanted to get special pairs I would splurge on the VS line and occassionally even migrate over to the childish Pink line... But those days are gone... long gone.
A few days ago I stopped into a boutique in Coconut Creek. I was only going in to browse... Browsing turned into shopping and I left with several pairs of quality undergarments that were each made for a different outfit. One for jeans, one for a skirt, one for a short skirt, etc... you get the point. I handwashed them last night...That shows how much I care for them. They have been handwashed and hung to dry in my bathroom. I have barely taken the time to handwash my bras over the years.
The undies are nice but hardly sexy. They are more practical, kinda biggish.. but I am so in love....

so very in love.

Falling in love

2011-09-07T12:15:00.001-04:00

My children are the loves of my life. Thats all for now.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Scheduled Post: When I am Twenty Nine.

2011-08-29T23:06:00.000-04:00

As I approach the end of my twenties I am embracing the idea of finding "me". The older I get the more aware I have become of who I am and what I want from this life. I know it seems cliche but life really is incredible and while I am not spiritual or religious I do see life as a gift in some sense. No, I do not believe this gift was bestowed upon us by some bearded man in the sky but we are all lucky to be here. We are only here for a very short time so why wouldn't you want to spend that time doing exactly what you want to do?
I have found that while I want to make the people around me very happy but I do not want to lose myself in the process.
This morning I woke up at 5am to get my children ready for school, feed them, feed myself, and sip on two shots of espresso.
I have always been told that the 30s are the best years of your life and up until recently I always wondered how that could be. I mean your 20s are all about you. You're young, you usually are free of children, and at any time you can completely alter your life. I am starting to think I was wrong. The 20s were full of confusion, bad jobs, bad friends, and bad financial decisions. Maybe the 30s are going to be amazing. Maybe everything will fall in place just after that 30th birthday.

This is my last year of my 20s. Its actually all of my friends last year as a twenty something as well. One by one we will make that dreadful leap into our 30s very soon. When I began watching Sex & The City in the late 90s, the 30s were so far off. Based on that show I thought the 30s were going to be one of two things... either incredibly, (dare I say it?) Fabulous! or dreadful. Now that I am fast approaching those dreaded years, I am thinking they will be... (dare I say it?) Fabulous! I am slowly moving away from my years of uncertainty of who I am and what I want.
Slowly moving towards better career choices. And finding some sort of clarity.

I am happy.
Bring it on, 30... Well not for another year at least...

The Age of Innocence.

2011-08-18T12:19:00.000-04:00

Jade Ana turned eight last week and even though she is another year older she is still the same ol' sweet faced kid she has always been.
At eight years old Jade still carries her Rainbow Bear with everywhere. She adores that bear.
I try hard to remember what I was like at 8 years old and I draw blanks. It was pre Hurricane Andrew, post Father leaving, and pre stepfather. I was eight years old in 1990.
Was an innocent kid? Was I still very sweet and loving? Did I have a toy I cherished and looked to for security?

I asked my Mother and she laughed at the idea and said that while I was very sweet I was nowhere near as sweet as Jade Ana. To be fair, most kids I know aren't.
Jade is so loving and so gentle. She is maternal and smart.
I know that its hard to look at your child when they are kids and truly know what kind of person they are going to end up being. If I had to guess I would really say the future is bright for Jade.

I love you, Jade Ana.

I do it!

2011-08-17T09:57:00.001-04:00

A few weeks ago Cameron spent the night with his Grandma so Chris + I could run rampant around downtown Palm Beach with a bunch of his co-workers... I say we ran rampant but that is an over statement... We didn't run anywhere..

When we woke up the next morning we had an email from Barbara with a video attached of Cameron "reading" a book about little animals needing to be tucked in. Here is the video....

Those little words "I do" are now part of his little growing vocabulary.

When I was working on laundry the other night Cameron rushed over to the dryer. He does this now with almost all appliances. The dishwasher, the fridge, the dryer, he will run over and try his hardest to help out. I took laundry from the washer and put it in his hands where he threw it into the dryer. At one point I had a heavy towel and went over Cameron and tossed it directly into the dryer. He lost it... He began yelling "I DO! I DO!"

So now what started as just a sentence in a book about being tucked in is now a declaration loud and clear that he may be only 1 but he is fully capable of helping.

Alright little man!! I hear you loud and clear.

new blog look soon---ish.

2011-08-14T15:51:00.000-04:00

damn you html. your null.. not me.. you.

What I Need to Fall Asleep

2011-08-12T12:06:00.000-04:00

Cameron + his ba.

Oh that damn ba! It is my fault.

Cameron has to have a bottle of milk before bed.. or does he? I know he doesn't have to have it.. I know he likes it. I know he wants it. And I know he was OK without it until I gave him one roughly a year ago and let him have one until snoozing off.

Now its a fight if he doesn't get his ba! ba! baaaaaaaa! before bed...

And its my fault.

She Turns Eight.

2011-08-08T15:49:00.000-04:00

This week Jade Ana will turn 8 years old. EIGHT FLIPPING YEARS OLD! Can you believe that? I really cannot! We took her birthday pictures this weekend and she planned how they went... Here they are....

Her one request was that she have an ice cream in her hand....

I love her.

Jade is 8

2011-08-08T15:42:00.001-04:00

Jade is 8 a video by Stephanie Mansueto's Life in Pictures on Flickr.

Jade is Eight.

The Catch Up--The Food We Ate. The Life We Lived.

2011-08-08T10:36:00.003-04:00

I have been thinking a lot about what I eat. I grew up eating whatever was put in front of me.... Didn't we all I guess. I never questioned the food my Mother gave me....

My Mother was always so busy and because of this we were raised on a diet of convenience. I hate saying that because it sounds like I am turning my nose up at my Mother and her cooking but that isn't the case. We were on a budget of extreme penny pinching. My mother was young when she had me... very young. And quickly after my birth, two more children followed. By the time my mother was 23 she had three kids and was single. Shortly after my sisters birth my Father was out the door on his way to Canada to live the life of a 20 something and left behind very little to no assistance for my young Mother. Because of her limited means we spent a lot of time in the frozen food aisle where dinners were quick, cheap, and big. I remember our freezer being stocked with Elios pizza, On-Cor frozen meals, and the treat of Fudgiscles. There were no frozen bagged vegetables. Our veggies were in cans in the cabinet.... as was our fruit.

Sundays were big in our house. My mother made big breakfasts for us. Eggs Benedict became a Sunday staple. I am not sure if she made the Hollandaise from scratch.. it didn't matter. I loved it.

When I moved into my first apartment I was still eating the same way. Cans of Chef Boyardee, jars of Prego, and boxes of frozen Tostino's pizza.

It was not until I met my ex-husband and had children that the food in my kitchen completely changed.

I still feel that even though I am moving forward in my cooking and what I feed my family, the food that I am buying is pushing me backwards.

I have read "The Omnivore's Dilemma", "Animal Vegetable Miracle", and more recently "In Defense of Food" and of course after reading these books I wanted to completely change my life.

No food from the middle of the grocery store... perimeter food only! And limit our meat intake (I just can't go veg, I can't... I love chicken too much!) and stop buying any food that isn't free range... Yea. That is all easier said than done. And while I am not as financially limited as my mother, I am still not financially capable to always buy food the way I wish I could. I cannot go 100% organic, I cannot buy all of our meat grass-fed, and I cannot afford to buy free range eggs and milk all the time. So what to do?

I try to make the best meals I can with what I have.

And I try to be more aware of what is in what we eat.

We don't eat frozen TV dinners, we do not eat canned vegetables, we do not have snack cakes in our pantry, and we do try... and I stress try to make the best food from scratch.

There are things I make from scratch every time and some that I don't for the sake of convenience.

I made a lot of promises when before my children were born. I will NEVER run through McDonalds and get them something quick. I will always have cut up snacks in the car for them. I will never buy frozen chicken nuggets or fish sticks. I will make all of it myself.

Ha and ha.

I will keep cooking the way I have been. Aware but open minded....

Some of our meals.....

Food Blogs I love....

www.joythebaker.com

www.smittenkitchen.com

www.crepesofwrath.net

www.lovintheoven.com

www.honestfare.com

www.chocolateandzucchini.com

www.tartlette.com

The Catch Up---The One Thing They All Hate.

2011-08-08T10:15:00.001-04:00

I have been "out of it" for a week or so. I fell into a rut of laying low and eating cookies.. Its really not a bad rut to be in. I had a lot of half completed entries in queue.. So let's catch up....

There are some traits that my kids have that are unique to themselves and then there are others that they have in common... Most of the commonalities relate to things that just annoy them. One being water poured over their heads in the shower.

The girls still hate it but its easier now to prepare them, get them to move theirs heads back, and avoid the water to the face. Jade is fine. She can handle it on her own.... But Brooklyn still gets pissed about it.

With Cameron you have to do it so fast and then quickly rub his face with a dry towel before he will let out the worlds loudest scream.

Wait for it... wait for it....

AHHH! How could you?

Ooooh! Soap! All is forgiven!

Wishing for an outdoor space.

2011-07-29T12:35:00.000-04:00

Like most active internet and social networking site users I have become obsessed with Pinterest. I have boards that are for inspiration for photography, boards that showcase things I want for my home, and boards that are just to drool over something sexy known as The Men I Want to Kiss board... The board I am most focused on lately is the Waiting For A Place Outdoors board. I really want a backyard. For some reason I have this belief that if I had a backyard I would actually return my friends phone calls and invite them over for dinner. Its worth thinking about.

I will not be renewing my lease. I will be hunting for a house to rent. I have found plenty that are cheaper than my apartment.

So there you go.

Lost in your own world.

2011-07-29T11:26:00.002-04:00

There have been points in my adult life where I have felt the need to recharge. Usually recharging only takes one night of going out with the boyfriend/husband (title where applicable) and spending quality time with him having dinner, a few drinks, and just being. Those nights can involve a meetup of some sorts with friends or not. There have been times where I wanted to involve friends and of course times when I just want to connect with him... whoever he is. Clearly these nights were not necessary when children were not in the mix.

The older I get the less interest I have in partying, in bar hoping, or in getting wasted. I do not want to "pass out" because it seems like a waste. I do not want to pay for my fun night the next day. Does that make any sense?

I feel old lately but also overwhelmed. I have three kids and no matter what I am always with at least one of them. Yes, they are my children so I should accept that. But I feel lost in my own world sometimes.

Last night I went grocery shopping with Cameron. It was just us. I originally planned to go the night before with all three kids but the idea of that seemed to be too time consuming and painful that I pushed it aside. I took them out to dinner and we came home and went to sleep. Jade and Brooklyn fell asleep in my bed and I spent the night on the couch. I lost my bed to my daughters... Is that not some kind of wonderful? No its not.

So last night I went grocery shopping. I live in an apartment building on the third floor. No elevator. I brought Cameron upstairs and closed the front door. The screams began. I could hear his sobbing tears carrying all the way down the three flights of stairs to the trunk of my car. I am a bad, bad mommy.

So I start bringing bag after bag upstairs to the apartment. I have to slowly open the front door as I am sure that he is standing right at it waiting get whacked in the head. Confession: Its happened before.

In pure torture I open the door, toss bags, and close it quickly behind me so that I can run back downstairs and grab even more bags. When walking up the stairs from first floor to second a jar of pasta sauce slips out of my bag and onto a step. It lands without an issue upright. I keep going to the third floor where a jar of jelly fells out of the bag and again, lands upright... Oh this is awesome! I keep going....

I arrive at the hallway leading to my front door where yet again another jar of sauce falls out of the bag and this time without any resistance lands on my foot slicing a layer of skin while it smashes to the floor and throws glass and marinara up the walls and onto my neighbors door. Frick! Frick! <--- well that is at least the toned down version.

I walk in the door to a sobbing toddler who wants to be held. Blood is flowing to the bottom of my flip flop and I am dragging it all over my floor. Bags hit the ground and I run to the bathroom with a toddler close behind with his arms out.

After running water over my cut and dabbing it with peroxide I place two bandaids over it. I also put on a sock.

I go outside and clean up my mess and finish bringing in groceries. Meanwhile my sock continues to fill up with blood. I have to hold the baby so I put on another sock... and pick him up.

It was almost two hours later when I finally was able to take care of my cut...

The sauce I bought was on sale at Publix... 2 for 1!

So much for that deal...

So I am at this point where I feel overwhelmed. When you are in a relationship with the father of your child/children you can "get away" sometimes. When I still lived in Miami I would go run around South Beach while Chris cared for Cameron. Chris isn't there anymore so there is no I am going to run before work this morning... or I am going to run after dinner.. There is none of that. As soon as you're home, you're home.

I get manicures (rarely) on my lunch break.

I want to spend some time alone.. just doing what I want to do.

I want to not go out drinking...

I want to just be.

The Latest in Brooklynism

2011-07-26T15:05:00.000-04:00

"At my school, there are boys that tell me they love me" -Brooklyn

"How many boys?"- Mommy

"A lot. Like four. There are more boys in love with me than there are boys in love with you, Mom" -Brooklyn

"That is true but Mommy doesn't want that many boys to love her." -Mommy

"It doesn't matter anyway Brooklyn because eventually they are all going to cheat on you!" -Jade

"What?! What does that mean, Jade?" -Mommy

"Well when you get into Middle School boys will use girls to cheat on tests because girls are smarter. They pretend they like you and then they use you for good grades!" -Jade

"Oh. Where did you see that?" -Mommy

"On iCarly."-Jade

"It doesn't matter because I am not going to be very smart when I go to Middle School."-Brooklyn

"But Brooklyn you won't get a good job or go to a good college if you aren't smart."-Jade

"No, I am just going to pretend I am not smart so that I don't get tricked into giving away my answers but I am really going to be the smartest kid in the class."-Brooklyn

"Why don't we just not give away our answers to anybody and just be ourselves? Smart and beautiful girls?"- Mommy

What am I going to do with myself? They say crazy stuff and sometimes I do not know what the right thing to say to them is.

Growth.

2011-07-19T16:56:00.000-04:00

In a one month Brooklyn will join her sister at elementary school.

I know a lot of parents say that it moments go by so fast and "how is she already going into elementary school?" but for some reason I do not feel that way about Brooklyn. I almost feel like saying "Jeez! Its about time!"

Brooklyn is wicked smart (said in my best Boston accent) and from a young age always seemed to have a good grip on what was going on around her.

I guess because she is so smart and so witty I have always felt like she was older than she was.

She will turn 6 in October.

She recently began to hate pizza and blue jeans.

She likes playing video games online and telling poop jokes.

She told me the other day that all the boys in her summer camp are in love with her.

She also wants everyone to know that she was the most popular kid in Pre-K...

she may be trouble.

If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding! How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat!!!!??

2011-07-18T12:39:00.001-04:00

I can be a real hard ass at the dinner table. My mother prepared dinner for us but dessert wasn't a nightly thing. I am not saying she deprived us of a treat, she just didn't make something every single night... I do. So when we sit down for dinner its tossed around as the reward over and over again... And the threats of "If you do not eat your vegetables you will not get any cake!" are repeated over and over again...

This weekend the girls survived another one of those nights.. Poor things. I am ridiculous sometimes.

I made chicken tacos and lemon, garlic, and bacon Brussels sprouts. The girls ate tacos with just chicken and cheese (I expected this....) and acting like vomit was the only reaction to the spouts. I though the sprouts were awesome... so I got mad. And warned them that no dessert would take place unless they ate TWO Brussels sprouts or some avocado...

It didn't end well... Both girls were pissed.

And then I started thinking about foods I hated when I was a kid but now love as an adult.... Even as a teenager... Here they are...

Goat Cheese.

Brussels sprouts.

Asparagus.

Onions.

Avocados.

Whole Wheat Bread.

Dark Chocolate.

Yogurt.

White Meat Chicken.

Yea..... seriously... just to name a few.

I grew up eating dark chicken because its cheaper.. So when I was older and able to buy my own meals I immediately went for the thighs. Now I prefer the breast... So I feel bad.

I got annoyed that they didn't want to eat avocado? And annoyed that they wouldn't eat Brussels sprouts? I need a reality check.

Turning Eight with a Bit of Mama Jealousy.

2011-07-15T15:36:00.005-04:00

In less than a month my oldest will celebrate her eighth birthday. Every birthday still surprises me. I still sit in disbelief that she is another year older. Right after her birthday she enters another grade and this year its third. She went through second grade last year with flying colors in regards to behavior and grades. She is an amazing kid.

I have to admit a little sadness on my part this year in regards to her birthday though. All year she has told me she wanted a sleepover birthday party... As her birthday approached I asked her where she wanted to have the sleepover, at my house or daddys? It was a sad day when she told me she wanted it at Daddy's house. I get it. Daddy lives in an actual house whereas Mommy lives in an apartment.... and more than anything else, Daddy just bought his house. Its new and holy shit, her bedroom is painted teal!!! Which to an eight year is awesome! I immediately wanted to go into attack mode once she announced her choice! I didn't act jealous or react like Louis CK did when his daughter told him she would rather be at her mothers house.....

Although I may have wanted to flip the old bird her way..... I did not.

That scene was incredible because it truly sums up what it can sometimes feel like to be a parent, especially a single parent. Louie is lovingly brushing his young daughters teeth when she guilelessly enthuses, “I like mama’s better. I like mama’s better because she makes good food and I love her more so I like being there more.” You can see the pain in his eyes as he sends his daughter off to bed and then painfully flips her off behind her back. Who hasn't wanted to do this to a five year old?

If I step outside my hurt feelings I know that Jade picked Daddy's house over mine without malice. She simply wanted a proper venue for her party and Daddy's house is a much better fit...

Let's go over the basics... At mommy's house Jade shares a bedroom with not only her five year old sister but also her one year old brother. I live in a two bedroom apartment.... And although I would gladly take Cameron out of the girls room for the night if they wanted friends over the crib will still be there. What eight year old wants her friends to see that? I do not have a backyard, Daddy does. And we have lived in my apartment for awhile now.... Daddy's place is new. I get it..... I get it...

So Jade will celebrate not only her eighth birthday at her Daddy's house sans mommy but also her first real sleepover.

Oh the jealousy.

DARN YOU DUAL PARENTING!!!!!!!!!!

I will still throw a birthday party for Jade and invite her friends + family from my side but I will still sit here with a bit of sadness and a ton of jealousy.....

After all of this I have come to the conclusion that its not polite but it is completely acceptable to occasionally flip off your children.

A difference of boys.

2011-07-14T15:18:00.001-04:00

Having a boy seems different. I don't know if I have just forgotten what the girls were like when they were 18 months old or if maybe there really is a difference.

Cameron seems to be less independent than the girls were.

I read a few old entries from when each of the girls were this age and what I can gather from those entries is that Jade liked watching movies more than Cameron does. She actually had favorites like Shrek, The Incredibles, and Nightmare Before Christmas. She liked raviolis, didn't like to sleep alone, and pretty much ruled our house. I would prepare a dinner for J + I and something a little more toddler pleasing for her. Mostly mac & cheese or another variation of a cheesy saucy pasta.

She was pretty darn cute when she was 18 months old. Not saying that she is not cute now... she was darn cute at 18 months.

And Brooklyn....

She was the exact same person... just smaller. Her favorite song was Fidelity by Regina Spektor. She could listen to it over and over again. She called the song "hah hah" because they say "heart, heart"...

See? She could also sign a lot.. She was smart.

Cameron seems different than I remember them being.. More loving, more needy, and I do not know.... The girls wanted me but not the way Cameron does.

Does that make sense?

Here is Brooklyn signing at 18 months..

Its like mass amounts of annoying cuteness..

2011-07-12T14:50:00.000-04:00

Cameron is driving me nutso. He is in that annoying age when he does things that are cute but annoying...

The Annoying Sides o' Toddler Cameron----

Cameron the fridge raider--- Cameron the Fridge Raider likes to pull cheese out of the cheese drawer. He also likes to pull out fruits and the apple juice. When he realizes the apple juice is heavier than he can carry he likes to scream... Loud! And then he drops it on his foot.

Cameron the grocery bag pilfer--- Cameron the grocery bag pilfer likes to raid the grocery bags in the backseat of the car. He likes to pull out fresh baguettes and eat them. You didn't have plans for that baguette did you, Mommy? Yea.. enjoy your brushetta sans bread... Gross.

Cameron the your iPhone is my iPhone so give it to me, bitch! toddler-- He steals literally steals my iPhone and his kung fu grip will not allow me to have it back..

Cameron the I am going to stand at your feet and pull your pants down--He does that... seriously.. he won't let go.

Cameron the no you cannot change my shitty diaper cause I am going to run away from you until you finally catch me and then I am going to wiggle away from you so much that you get baby shit on everything--- I think this explains itself.

and finally...

Cameron the out of nowhere I am going to refuse bedtime because bedtime is boring-- Lately Cameron doesn't want to go to bed when its bed time. He will act like he is happy to go to bed. He will say "night, night" and wave goodbye and give his kisses but as soon as you lay him in his crib and close the door screams start... "AHHH!! MAMA MAMA MAMA MAMA!" and then you walk in and he is loaded with tears and clearly doesn't want to be alone because some scary monster in the closet is giving him toddler nightmares... Oh no! So gullible mama takes him out and lets him sit with her on the couch and watch The First 48 and Hoarders.... Clearly after only a few minutes you can see Mr. Cameron pants just wants to hang out with you... He doesn't want to miss the crazies on TV... One more hour of toddler time.. Get over it mama. He used to be so good about bedtime.. What is happening?

Don't take this the wrong way... I do love him... I do, I promise...

on my love.

2011-07-12T14:02:00.000-04:00

There are few things I love more than espresso....

seriously.... very few things.

Back and Forth.

2011-07-12T13:53:00.001-04:00

The girls father and I have been operating on this "What day do you want them?" custody arrangement for quite some time.. "I can take them today if you take them tomorrow because I have an early meeting the next day so I don't want to rush in the morning and you should........." were pretty much the conversations we would have back and forth when deciding what day who would like them and who needs off.... We are both pretty easy going individuals, especially when it comes to making one another happy in regards to the kids. Over the last few weeks though we have adapted a sorta new schedule of back and forth. It helps. But it gets lonely in the house.

For instance this week is more his week than mine. So I am without the girls four nights of the week. Next week he will be without them four nights... Its sad. Today I miss their faces.

I can't stand the rain against my window... bringing back sweet memories..

2011-07-11T12:21:00.000-04:00

I am not sure if its the weather or an actual illness but the last few weeks have been a real drain on me. I have spent a lot of time in bed and have felt a general disinterest in doing anything other than feeling sorry for myself.

It is the rain but I know I have also been sick.

It feels like ever since I toppled down that hill in Ocala my body has been completely out of whack.

I hope it gets better soon.

The World Stops for Caylee..

2011-07-05T13:56:00.002-04:00

A verdict is in, in the Casey Anthony trial! At 2:15 we will know her mothers fate.

Here is a hope for justice!

Caylee Marie Anthony

2005-2008

after the fact...

I wrote this after the verdict was reached........

This week has been relatively emotionally and physically draining. I spent most of last weekend sick and in bed. I missed out on seeing Nicole + Ryan and after beginning to feel somewhat restored realized that my entire apartment was destroyed in the process of my healing. I was lazy all weekend and stayed in bed with a bottle of water and a lot of blankets. There were kids all over the house making messes, playing Wii, and just being..... kids. The leftovers are going to take awhile to repair. On Tuesday when I returned to work in mildly good health I sat glued to my desktop while I counted down the minutes to the Casey Anthony verdict.

It is a well known fact that I am junky for anything and everything having to do with crime, murder, serial killers, and the behavior of a sociopath. It was hard to not watch the trial in fascination. I understand why she was found not guilty but its hard to wrap my head around.

I know that I had no connection to Caylee in reality. But it was hard to not become emotionally invested in this case. I can relate to the feelings that Casey probably had in 2008 when the demands of motherhood were "cramping" her desires to be young. I had Jade right before my 21st birthday so there was a lot of fun happenings that I missed out on. But I didn't feel the need to chloyform my kids and smother their heads with duct tape... Ok, ok.. I can't say that since technically Miss Casey was acquitted. But come on now...

Last words on this.....

I do not wish for her to be shot in the street as some do.

I do not wish for her to not be able to sell her story. I won't read it cause I do not think it will be good...

I just wanted justice for Caylee... And I do not think that will ever happen...

Moving on now....

Thats all.

Elbow Deep In Shit...

2011-06-30T11:55:00.008-04:00

On August 11th I will celebrate my eighth year as a parent. In those eight years there have been many, many moments where I silently and publicly thanked my Mother for all that she has done for me. Most of those thank you's were in the first year of parenting. Everything was new and my life was upside down. I didn't know how to do a lot of things and would sometimes get caught up and overwhelmed in the most mundane occurrences. Well after 7 years and 11 months of parenting, yesterday brought another day where I needed to say "Thanks, Mom..."

Here is my story....

At the request of the girls we went out last night for a dinner of chicken wings and fried pickles... Ye, should not judge the deliciousness that is fried pickles... In any event I was at dinner , loaded up with kids and enjoying my gluttonous meal. I had errands to run after dinner so we wrapped up early and the kids and I headed to the market. When we got out of the car the girls walked ahead while I carried Cameron on my hip. There was a foul smell coming over me and I made the assumption that Cameron may have just gone to the bathroom. Feeling awful but knowing I had no diapers and wipes in my car (I had picked him from daycare prior to dinner) I decided to trek on and finish this errand and then head back home. I placed Cameron in the shopping cart and together the girls and I began to walk the market picking up various grocery items. We grabbed fruits and milk, boxes of crackers and loaves of bread. We were all over the grocery store. Throughout our whole shopping experience we could not shake that potent smell. It was as if someone that was covered in shit was following us around..... Well, that someone was me. I reached out to grab a bag of freshly sliced honey maple turkey from the deli clerk when I saw spread across my forearm the culprit of the smell.... Immediately rushing to the bathroom to scrub my arms I noticed that my cardigan was covered as well. Feeling the guilt of allowing my baby to sit in what appeared to be the worst case of toddler shit I have encountered to date we decided to leave the store without grabbing other things we needed. The guilt was strong but the frustration and anger over everything was eating at me too. I wanted to go home and shower....
A long line formed at the checkout counter and I was stuck behind one of those fossils that has to load one item at time after inspecting it yet again. Each item she was loading on the moving conveyor belt was scanned and charged before her next item was placed on the belt. I didn't start loading my groceries because I knew that I would just have to keep pulling mine back since she was loading slower than a watched pot. After at least five minutes of watching her load her prune juice and fiber packed breakfast cereal, a woman came up behind carrying a bag of mangoes. She excused herself pass the girls and then pass me and stopped directly in front of me. At first I thought she was bringing the turtle something she may have forgotten.... That was until she placed the divider between herself and the fossil and another one between herself and I. I lost it. Here I was covered in shit with a toddler in a diaper full of shit and two kids who were bored out of their mind. I waited in line like a big girl... Why couldn't she? I could not hold back... and then it all came out....

"What is going on here" -snapped Stephanie
"I forgot my mangoes, I was in line well before you" - Lady
"What does that have to do with me and the two shoppers behind me? Thats your problem.. Get back in line and wait like the rest of us."
"I was in line before you!" and then she faces the cashier, "Do you still have my potatoes?" to which the cashier very quietly says "Yes"..
"You were nowhere near this line when I got in it five minutes ago.." Stephanie
"Thats because I forgot my mangoes so I had to leave the line to go get them..."
"So what! I waited like a big girl for my turn, now you need to do the same... I got all my groceries before getting in line. it is not my fault or her fault (pointing to the lady behind me) or their fault (and the one behind her) that you forgot your mangoes.. I refuse to let you cut in line..." At this point I have begun taking my groceries and placing them in front of her mangoes in protest loudly and very angrily....
"Excuse me, do you not recall me being here before this woman?" She asks the cashier. To which the cashier says "Yes but a line formed after you left, I can't say that you can cut in front of them..."
"Good! Call a manager!"
The store manager arrives, asks for the story, to which mangoes explains she was there before me... before the line.. The manager states "I can't allow you to jump in front of this line because you forgot something. I can take you on another line or ask you to go through the less than 10 aisle.."
Mangoes takes the the 6 mangoes that were so important to her and throws them to the floor. She leaves.

In silence and possibly embarrassment I loaded my groceries and while shaking scanned my debit card and left. Jade walked several feet behind me.

Did I react properly? Probably not. I was so overwhelmed. I should not have allowed the girls to see me get so worked up over something as small as being skipped in line. Upon getting home I changed the worst diaper to date.... Literally.. it was in Cameron's hair, under his armpits.. Its was awful. After scrubbing my arms, scrubbing Cameron's back, and cleaning up the hazmat that was created I laid on the couch and relaxed. The memory of all this was fading.

This morning while loading the kids into the car I went to place Cameron in his carseat and lo and behold imbedded into the bright orange fabric was more leftovers of the massive shit that made Cameron and I both very upset 12 hours prior.

I hope nobody skips me in line at Starbucks this morning....

In closing I want to say thank you, Mom. Thank you for wiping my ass, getting pooped on by me, peed on, thrown up on, and all the other things I have dealt with in the last eight years.

I love you.

Summer Sunshine...

2011-06-29T16:32:00.000-04:00

Some photos from our recent Saturday at the beach... Isn't Jade Ana getting old?

The end.

Oh Snap!

2011-06-29T14:43:00.000-04:00

It was a long ass time ago when I decided to take my photography to the next level.
I have enjoyed photography since I was in my teens which was well before the digital photography revolution. Photography was a respected field then and not everyone had a friend who was a photographer. Things are now different.
I know a lot of hobbyist photographers and their work is marvelous.
One of them is Chris's mother Barbara. Her landscape photography is amazing. The way she captures textures and angles in natural settings is amazing to me. I am clueless when it comes to landscape and architecture photography. A month ago I became so overwhelmed that I had to take a deep long breath and stop doing anything photography related. I blogged about it here. The reason for being overwhelmed was coming from this feeling of being undervalued and that feeling was because I made the choice to "just be happy to shoot" and accept minimal money on a very demanding project. I stepped out of my comfort zone for this project and did something I do not normally do. I charged minimal costs for this, more than 80% below the industry standard and went in thinking their was clear knowledge by all parties that I was doing this not as a professional. As I was not a professional in this field.. (We are not talking about photography here.....) In the end, I was less than pleased with how it went.... I followed through with my end of the deal but still was put in a situation where I felt that although I did not misrepresent myself, all that I said before the actual project was ignored. I have since refunded this project.
The point of this is to not discuss the actual project but more so the feeling that I got when all this was going on. I have found it difficult to combine something that I am passionate about with something that brings me income and still remain full passionate. I am passionate, thats not the right wording.... I think when you turn something you love into a business you see a different side of it. Shooting doesn't just become fun anymore, shooting becomes a way to pay the bills and a real photographer does not "just shoot"... Shooting is only a fraction of my responsibilities. There is a lot that has to happen afterwards and a lot of expense that goes into keeping things running smoothly. I decided that if I was going to come back into photography than I would remember that I have to make money doing this and stop low balling myself. I will always do deals.. I just will no longer do ridiculous deals where I spend money and make none... I just can't do it anymore. But here I am.... Back to work.

A Day for Fathers.

2011-06-23T11:19:00.000-04:00

I have two men in my life that have given me three beautiful children.

My ex husband gave me two amazing daughters that are a combination of his best traits and mine.

Chris gave me an adorable little son that looks exactly like him and is always in a good mood.

I am lucky.

Because its Father's Day my daughters spent their day with their Daddy seeing movies and having a nice dinner so I have no pictures of them.

Cameron and his Daddy spent the day napping and playing together... Here are some shots from that day...

Happy Fathers Day!

Crawling for Cupcakes.

2011-06-16T14:15:00.000-04:00

On Saturday I gathered a bunch of cupcake lovers and together we took to sampling some of Boca and Delray's cupcakeries.

The hit of the day was the Bacon cupcake at Chaos Bakery in Boca.

Also the Hi-Halston at Cupcake Couture and the Strawberry at Sweet Surrender.

My Day in Limbo...

2011-06-16T10:34:00.001-04:00

Once upon time I was together.

I was organized and I knew what was going on with every aspect of my life....

And then I had three kids and my life became a mess.

Late last year in an attempt to get Cameron to nanny Megan and get to Lantana for Jade Ana's 2nd grade orientation on time, I got pulled over for speeding. I was doing 15 mph over and the cop saw me swerve around a fossil that was doing 25 under the speed limit. He was not pleased.

The cop showed no mercy when I told him I was going to be late to her orientation and that currently my ex-husband and I were in a battlefield over my tardiness. He handed me a ticket, scolded me for driving like that with an infant in the car, and sent me to orientation with a $255 ticket and a bad attitude.

I decided to opt for traffic school in an attempt to limit the points from my license and take the lesser ticket fine.

My absentee mind did not do either and in February I was pulled over not for speeding or driving recklessly but for being in front of police officer that just so happened to run my license.. and lo and behold, it was suspended.

I got another ticket and a mandatory court date set for March 22nd. OK, I take care of everything... The fine gets paid, the traffic school completed, and I am ready to face the judge and apologize for bad behavior and hopefully move on with my life.

For years I have been a witness in a felony case in Broward county. The case has yet to go to trial but the promise of it is thrown around in the form of subpoena's constantly. I received another subpoena in March with a requirement that I be present on March 22nd, the same day as my tickets court date. I wasted no time in forwarding it to the Clerk of Courts. I received confirmation they received and I move on with my life patiently waiting for my new court date. It doesn't arrive. Instead of a new court date I receive a postcard informing me that a warrant was issued for my arrest for failure to appear. I freak out, call the courthouse, talked to the judges assistant and am told to FedEx everything I have to him showing that I had a subpoena that day. Luckily I saved the proof that the Clerk of Court's received it and a few weeks later I receive a letter stating my warrant had been lifted and a new court date was scheduled.. Phew... sigh of relief. I pencil in June 15th at 8:30 am on my calendar, inform my boss that I will be late, and everything is peachy.

Until I find out that my court date was actually on June 14th and I read it wrong and NOW a fresh new warrant has been issued for Failure to Appear.

Pleading your case will get you nowhere as clearly my scatter brain is at fault here, not the court system. And so a trip to Gun Club was in order.

Making arrangements when you know you are going into the big house is pretty scary. And the images that flash through your head are even scarier. Images of big scary women giving me cavity searches, being handcuffed and thrown into solitary confinement, being told what a degenerate you are, finding out that your friends saw your face stream across on the Palm Beach Posts booking blotter, and even worse would be that High School classmate that you know works the booking room at Gun Club seeing you getting finger printed and looking at you like you are a loser.

Horrible day.

But its over.

While this matter may be private, I decided to just write about it. I am without humility and I can see the humor in it...

And special thanks to friends and family that were there for me yesterday when I thought that I just might fall apart.

Life in a box.

2011-06-16T09:10:00.000-04:00

I have had a lot of jobs over the years. My first job was at an Italian bakery in Boca that served cheesecakes, cannolis, and all the lovely goodies one would expect in an Italian Bakery. I would go to work at the crack of dawn after all night party binges and serve up gooey pastries and glazed doughnuts and attempt to hold back my hungover vomit.

The sight of food is never a pleasant thing after a night of consuming alcohol and pills and god knows what else... I was a mess. I remember working with my eyeliner running, left over pieces of glitter in the corner of my eyes, my hair in a messy bun, and the feeling of ecstasy still in my veins. Under my smock was the sports bra that was drenched in sweat from the all night dancing I partook in the night before..

Not the proudest moments of my life.

I worked there for years. I moved into my first apartment as their employee and began to take a different approach to work. I came in, hair in a neat bun, a normal top under my smock, and no leftover glitter.

Work was what paid the bills not funded the clubbing I would be doing later...

I started looking for other jobs and began short runs at a record store, a jewelry kiosk, an ice cream parlor, and then I moved on to the call centers.

I worked as a customer service rep for At&t for awhile but with no management watching to see if I was sitting at my desk I left often to do whatever I wanted. I would refund peoples money on their calling cards, get uppity when customers were pushy, and was genuinely an awful employee.

Since 2001 I have been employed as a clerk in retail shop, a funder/closer in a real estate title office, a Starbucks Barista, an IT mgr, and an Operations Manager. Of course I am not including my photography work.

Here are some pictures from various times in my life....

The King's Deli days. Joanna on top and me on the bottom right after ending a shift.

The Real Estate days...

The stay-at-home mom days..

and of course....

The Starbucks days.....

And then came the IT job...

It is at this job that I learn about phone systems, lead management tools, and all the things that have made my resume look a hell of a lot more snazzy.... When the company closed I moved on to an Operations position and attempted to bring the knowledge from my previous job to the table....

And now this week... I have moved into my own office.

A box. I hate it.

Its actually not that bad, I shouldn't say I hate it. I have my own privacy, I can shut the door, and my position in my company is important enough to justify my own personal office space... That is always a good thing.

But its lonely. And there are no windows and I spend half the day staring at a wall, listening to the AC unit in my office hum and fight to provide me enough cool air to not sweat.

Life in a box sucks.

But yes, I am grateful for my job.

Why Blog...

2011-06-06T16:10:00.000-04:00

Last weekend I sat down on the floor of my Mother's living room with a freshly wounded tailbone and began to set her iPad up to "track" me online through my various forms of social networking. I gave her a link to my blog, a connection to my flickr, and other various forms of portals to "find me.."
My mother has known for years that I blog but she has only read the ones I have allowed her to as I think she assumes that my blog is private, much like a diary.

Almost one year ago I wrote a letter to my great grandmother Cecile as she is approaching the end of her life. And I decided to not send that letter to her but bury it deep in my online journal and keep it for myself. That entry was the first entry my Mother read. Her eyes filled with tears and she sat staring at me for quite some time. She told me that reading that letter made her feel like I finally understand what she went through for us.

I know that most of the time my Mother thinks I am off my rocker. I say inappropriate things, talk a lot of crap, and I get off on making awkward situations even more awkward.

Seeing my Mom read my blog and get a little sad over it made me remember why I blog.
I started blogging originally for a boys attention. When that boy and I split up I continued to blog my way through life. I talked about my boyfriends, the relationship I had with the "in a relationship" guy, meeting J (my ex husband), my pregnancies, planning my wedding, and my eventual divorce.

I hope my Mother continues to read my blog. I don't censor my entries even though I know there are people that read it that may not want to read everything I say.. and I certainly won't censor it from my mom...
But its nice to know we are connected in some way even though there are miles between us.

writers block.

2011-06-06T12:05:00.002-04:00

From the community on lj thats helps you push through writers block.... Here is a question to help me get through it....

"Have you ever been betrayed by a friend or partner who asked for forgiveness? Were you able to forgive and/or forget? What was the result?"

I have betrayed partners and partners have betrayed me. And I have been involved in a betrayal of someone who was not my partner.. Let me explain...

A Part of His Betrayal...

When I was very young, well not very young but young enough I had an affair with a man that was 12 years older than me and in a long term relationship with another woman. His live in girlfriend of 3.5 years was a woman I knew. We worked together and her boyfriend was my boss. I was 19 and at a very interesting point in my adult life. I liked to claim that I was naive to reality, manipulated of some sort, and possibly taken advantage of... Reality is, I was well aware. He told me on numerous occasions that his long time girlfriend was no longer in the picture. And while I could see that she had moved out of their home there were still signs of her everywhere. Pictures, her shoes, a tooth bush, she was around. And like any good mistress I tried hard to block out those signs.

I started seeing him shortly after I began to work for him. He was persistent and once he had his daggers out for me, that was it... He knew how to get my attention. And he did a very good job of it.

He helped me a lot financially. He paid my car payments several times, assisted in finding and funding an apartment for me, and took me shopping at the mall. He bought me dinners and the day before what we would our first sleepover he took me shopping for toiletries to leave at his house. We bought a toothbrush, body wash, a loofa, and face wash. When I left the following morning everything was on the counter and in plain sight. He had plans that night so I went out with my friends knowing I would return the following night for another sleepover. When I came back everything was under the sink in a shoebox in the back behind a large bottle of cleaner. I asked him why he did that and he said that the cleaning lady was coming and he didn't want her to throw them out thinking it may have been the now moved out girlfriends. I wanted to believe him so did.

These type of obvious signs were everywhere and happened all the time. We continued the charade for months even after I found out that the lies he told me about his girlfriend were not true, she was still very much around. Eventually though, I snapped and we stopped talking. The affair is not a good memory for me as I am sure its not for the other woman involved. She wanted me to talk to her and I did but not with the respect she deserved. I liked to pretend that I was the victim. I was the one who was hurt, not her. I would never reach out to her now as almost a decade has passed but if I could go back I wish I could change what I have done.
From what I have gathered from in depth google searches and large amounts of curiosity that now, nine years later he has married that girlfriend and they have a child.
All is how it should be.
In this situation the girlfriend made the choice to forgive and hopefully forget.

Stop the pain.

2011-06-06T10:46:00.000-04:00

I have not felt the need to photograph anything lately. Its not for lack of inspiration, I am inspired daily but more so for the lack of strength. The pain in my lower back is awful. I am injuring myself over and over again by lifting Cameron, unpacking boxes that just arrived from Miami, and doing minor cleaning around the house. Its not good.

Yesterday I felt a little better so I went downstairs and lifted several small boxes up the three flights of stairs into our apartment, bad choice. I am now in excruciating pain. Which is exactly what I needed for the big week I have ahead.

I hate to say this but... "Why me?"

I wish I could take a nap.

The weekend of many accidents...

2011-05-31T11:20:00.009-04:00

It was only five years ago but it feels like a lifetime. J and I sat down at the closing table in Dunnellon, FL to close on our very first house together. The house was a brand new three bedroom 2,000 sq foot beauty on one acre of wooded land. We were moving to Dunnellon to open a Real Estate title office for my mother. In Fort Lauderdale she had a busy title company and wanted a sister office to be located in Central Florida. She picked the Ocala area and we settled on Dunnellon as our new town..

Here is an entry from the day we found the house...

"We are back to the hotel now. We looked at lots of homes.. So far the one we like the most and will probably be putting an offer to is this one...

"BRAND NEW, 3/2/2 on 1 Beautiful Acre. 2800 Square feet, many upgrades, lots of ceramic tile, irrigation system, Large master suite w/ extra large walk-in closet, lanai, upgraded appliances & fixtures. The hottest area in Dunnellon, Rainbow Acres. $279,900" This town is small. 1900 people.. thats it! There is NO Publix in the city limits AND you have to pay to have city pick up your garbage or you bring it to the dump yourself... Its nutty but I am happy..."

We moved to Dunnellon for many reasons. The first of many being the business and the others included our daughters. We wanted them to have a home and to grow up in a nice area. South Florida is not where I want to raise my kids.

We went there excited and eager to build a life there. That didn't happen. Immediately after our move to Dunnellon the market took a turn for the worst especially in Marion County. A ton of new construction was flooding the area and it was not moving. Because of the bubble bursting our title business never thrived. There are other reasons for our title company never making it like location. We opened shop in a small town that had one Realtor, one title company, one grocery store, and two gas stations. Everyone was connected and we were the outsiders. The "good ole boy" syndrome made it damn near impossible to convince the realtors in the area to use us over their lifelong friends and family that owned the title company down the street. Not to mention being from South Florida where people are "sketchy and full of scandal" didn't help. Jobs up there were awful too. So when it came time to start looking for other work it became apparent this was a decision we barely thought through. And then another bomb hit... we bought the house in May so our escrow account was short when it came time to pay the taxes. So in February of 2007 we received a letter from our lender informing us that our $2200 mortgage payment was going up to $2785. Already struggling to figure out how we were going to continue paying our mortgage once the title office closed, we were now scared shitless. We bought the home for $280k and it was now appraising for $170k.

We went back and forth on what to do. Should we stay and tough it out while working crappy jobs? Should we put it on the market and try and sell it? J started looking for work so that we could hopefully keep our home and avoid moving back to South Florida.
That didn't work out.

We made the decision to list the house and hope for an offer the bank would accept, lose the money we invested, and with our tails tucked tightly between our legs return to South Florida.

We went back several times over the first few months to mow the lawn, check on the house, and visit friends.
Those visits were hard. The house smelt like us even though our things were gone.

Eventually we stopped going and the house became part of a collection of memories of a time that was now over.

In October of 2010 the home was finally taken off our hands.... It took that long.... and it wasn't until this past weekend that I saw the home being lived in by another family.

You may find it shocking but that was the most upsetting feeling. That house was a home to us and we planned to stay there for a very long time. I guess that its also painful because after we left that home my marriage fell apart and in some regard I sorta blame the financial stress that came with leaving that home behind as what caused our marriage to finally fall apart.

This weekend we drove to Ocala to visit my Mother and to see Cole, Ryan, + The Kids... We got to Ocala late Friday and first thing Saturday morning drove into Dunnellon to take a peek at what used to be home. We drove down 57th street and slowed down in front of our home. The house had a playground setup in the backyard and new plants planted in the front area. It was lived in. I snooped around online to see what the house had sold for and I found the listing. The new owners closed on April 19th, 2011. We bought it on April 19th, 2006. Five years to the day. The emotions that came over me after seeing that house lived in were unexpected and the girls barely had a reaction to seeing it.

I made a left turn at the stop sign down the street from our old house and drove to the top of the hill and took out my long board. I went down the hill faster than I have ever skated before. I was having a blast until I realized there was no way I was going to be able to stop the board on my own and that's when I hit the edge of the road and flew off my board landing right on my tail bone. The pain cannot be described. Since Saturday morning I have gone from standing up straight to laying in the fetal position over a dozen times. Tucked between my ass and my car seat is a doughnut shaped inflatable pillow. As I sit and type this I am moving my body back and forth from being so uncomfortable. I am a squirmy mess now. I have never broken a bone... I had to go for the tail bone... Dang.

I feel pretty stupid about the whole ordeal. I will not be doing that again ever... I am walking funny to top things off. Its just a bad experience all around. I will get through it though.. I always do. :) When I began to head home on Monday I got stuck in horrific traffic that delayed me by several hours. There was brush fires, a burnt Hostess cake truck, and several fender benders. It was a crap drive home.

I am just glad to be back. I hope the pain in my tail bone doesn't last much longer and that I am back to normal as soon as possible.

The Kinda Sorta Almost Pretty Much Single Mom

2011-05-26T17:10:00.003-04:00

Shot on my iPhone and not edited.

Lately, I am feeling alone.

It started while carrying the groceries up three flights of stairs with Cameron on my hip and the girls at my feet. Three large canvas sized grocery bags loaded with milk, eggs, fruit, cereal boxes, and a rotisserie chicken among other things were slung over my shoulder swaying wildly. I had Cameron on my opposite hip and my purse between his chest and my own while I struggled to get up the three flights to my apartment. My slow moving Brooklyn complaining about walking upstairs delayed my lunge to the front door. Jade Ana was carrying her backpack and Cameron's bag from daycare but was talking a mile a minute about her friends from school and their stories that I know are lies but Jade says are absolutely true...

When I reached the door I struggled to get into my purse to retrieve my keys without having to put the kid and groceries down. Upon entering the apartment all groceries went down to the floor along with the toddler.

I took a deep long breath.

So at that moment, I felt like a single mother. It was a small moment, barely meant a thing in the scheme of the day but the feelings that came were anything but small..

Tis the life of the commuter parent.

“There are no secrets to success. It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure.”

2011-05-25T11:33:00.001-04:00

Say Goodbye.

I decided to stop doing photography professionally.... for now.

I am starting to get overwhelmed with things and I need to really step back and reevaluate how I do business.

My life is so busy that I can't give 100% to this. And its becoming such an issue that I am just closing up... for now.

I am going to honor the work I have coming up, obviously... but nothing new unless the exchange doesn't include $ and there are strict understandings of what will be given.

I don't think I will jump back into this until I can only focus on being a photographer and not a photographer with a full time job.

Will work for tattoos...

2011-05-20T14:12:00.006-04:00

I was not old enough to drive when my birth father permitted me to go to Deerfield Beach Tattoo and choose a five inch piece of tribal art off the wall and allow an Italian man to place it on my lower back.

Less than a year later that same Italian man placed a lizard on my hip...

Fast forward over the next year and a half and I have a fairy on my ankle, the Zodiac symbol for Scorpio on my upper back, and a gigantic piece of tribal along with the Japanese symbol for courage spread across my stomach from hip bone to hip bone. All five are regrets... and not because I do not like tattoos... but because I do not feel that I put any thought into them.

The first two tattoos were done just because I wanted tattoos. The third one was done in an attempt to find a reason to go back to the shop to flirt with a guy who worked there. And the last two were done a whim when I felt the need to do something.... Stupid, right?

This month I am trading photography work for tattoos...

There will be more thought put into these... I promise.

What makes a Saturday?

2011-05-19T12:03:00.001-04:00

Pancakes make a Saturday.

We always have buttermilk pancakes of some sort over the weekend. The girls prefer chocolate chip while I prefer chocolate chip with bananas.

This weekend it was just buttermilk chocolate chip. Pancakes are one of those things that are so easy to make from scratch, I do not know why people don't do it. Oh and use real maple syrup.. That's all.

The girls brought along Yogurt + Rainbow as well...

Here is a bunch of photos that were taken involving our table..

Two Days. Two Mood Swings.

2011-05-18T09:51:00.000-04:00

Look at my face. I look like crap, right?

The moods I have been in the past few days have been horrible. Ups + downs, tears, anger fits.. Its been no good.

I sulked around the house all night last night. I watched crappy movies and ate a batch of cookies to myself. The ladder is not a rarity... But still.. I barely spoke a word, didn't answer calls, and sat around like a sad sack.

I am not sure why I am feeling this out it this week?

The Reactions of the impending..

2011-05-13T12:54:00.000-04:00

I came across an incredible series of photos one photographer took of the reactions to friends and family hearing the news that he was going to be a dad.

It makes you think of how everyone reacted to the news of your own pregnancy.

The first call I made when I found out I was pregnant with Jade was to my friend Nancy.

I was on my lunch hour and was planning to eat spaghetti, take a pregnancy test, and head back to work.

The test wasn't supposed to be positive. But it was.

She was shocked. J and I had only been together a short time but she smiled said congratulations and that it.

Jason called his best friend and I believe his reaction was the same.

And then down the list... J took care of telling his parents who were happy to hear of the news. I sent my Mother a dozen roses with a card saying "We need to talk....."

She was mildly happy.

A little upset that I was so young but excited to have a new baby in the family.

She took us and our entire family out to dinner where everyone talked about what I could and couldn't eat and what they thought I was expecting.

My brother who is year younger than me could care less. My sister was 15 and also could care less.
I love that this photographer captured the reactions of those who were important to him... How smart. I would have loved to bottle the reactions of my family... Too bad.

Check out his series of portraits.... lots of fun.

THE REACTION TO NEW OF BEING A DAD

Fall in love... with black and whites.

2011-05-11T16:02:00.000-04:00

I go through waves in my post processing... I fall into ruts of doing the same look over and over again... which I know is bad. Over the last six months or so most of my photos have been in color... Not too over processed just an increase in contrast or maybe the cross process curves but nothing major......
I missed black and whites.
When I shot only film a lot of my images were black and whites....
Well.. lets take it back......
So here are some of my most recent portraits made into black and whites....

Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth??

2011-05-11T13:10:00.000-04:00

After picking up the girls at J's mothers last night I could tell immediately I was in for a night. They were high on energy and spiked on the leftovers from sugary beignets.
Sitting in the backseat, talking about music and what we were going to listen to (please not single ladies or boom boom pow.... again.) Brooklyn told me a bird was going to slap my face in a minute... And then glancing behind me I saw her giggly high energy little hand hit Jade across the face.
I stayed as calm as I could and said "BROOKLYN DON'T HIT YOUR SISTER!!!!" She went on the defensive and said that she didn't when Jade stepped in and corrected her. This went on for a few minutes until Brooklyn broke out in tears and saying up and down "I DIDN'T HIT HER FACE! I HIT HER ARM!" Really there is no difference when it comes to my five year old.. Hitting isn't allowed, face or arm... who cares? But saying to her "Brooklyn you slapped Jade across the face!" was enough to send her flipping mad. Time outs and eventually kisses happened. And at 10pm she came into bed with me...

Potty Training for m&m's.

2011-05-11T12:51:00.000-04:00

When Jade was roughly one year old my mother told me it was time to start potty training.

She gave me the wonderful idea to give away mini m&m's for every successful pee on the potty. In the beginning we gave her an m&m every time she sat on her little plastic potty. After a short time she realized how easy it was to get candy and she began to sit on it fully clothed.

A short while ago I saw Freakanomics and there was a segment on a child who's parents did the same thing.

You can watch it here...

Last week we began potty training Cameron after Grandma Barbara was nice enough to get him a tiny Baby Bjorn potty. Every time he sits on the potty (naked) he gets an m&m. This morning when I undressed him after he woke up I directed him to go sit on his potty. Gladly he toddled his way over to the potty and sat on it. He started saying "Bee Bee" and hitting his chest. Jade ran into the kitchen and retrieved two m&ms from the candy jar.

If truly given the option Cameron would go right for the Reeses cups.

After breakfast and getting dressed Cameron walked over to his potty, sat on it and began to yell "BEE BEE!" and slap his chest again.

I told him no and he was obviously upset.

No peeing yet.. just sitting but I am hopeful we will be progressing soon.

I don't really know much about potty training a little boy.

It can't be that different, can it?

more?

Breaking Silence on Osama...

2011-05-09T15:38:00.001-04:00

I have been blogging for a very long time. So I have an entry from 9/11....

Where I was on 9/11

Tuesday September 11, 2001 11:36pm
Subject: Tears and Fears
"Today was terrible. I don't know how to respond to any of this. The thought of going to war is just too much for my simple mind to handle. I spent a few hours today sleeping. I rested my head and actually slept next to Dan for a couple hours, that was all i needed. I just don't want to hear about this anymore. If I were to turn on the TV all I would hear about is what is going on in New York and its scary. So I turned on music. Didn't work. To get my mind even further away I then decide to call family but everyone wants to talk about this. I know it is important but I don't want to talk about it anymore. I am not sure what is happening right now, its scaring the shit out of me. Dan and I tried to go get chocolate brownie frappuccino's from the Starbucks in Mizner but they were closed, everything was closed. The country went silent. I am just scared. I hope things go back to normal but until then I will go to sleep and dream about peace and the way things were yesterday.
all my love... stephanie"

The above photo was taken only two weeks after 9/11.. My life went on. I lost nobody that day and my little home was over 1,000 miles away from New York City where the real pain was being felt. There are still images burnt into my head that haunt me from that day. One in particular was a pregnant woman on the top floor who jumped to her death. I have not located a video clip or still image of that particular moment but I haven't tried very hard either. It was that haunting.
Generally speaking though, my life went on. I was pretty annoyed at Starbucks being closed that night, I do remember that and I also remember wanting to go back to my boyfriends house and sleep all night but was angry because his parents wouldn't allow it. With everything going on those were my main concerns..... I was 18 so my head somewhere else....

Last Sunday we heard the news that Osama was dead. A lot of people reacted in excitement by posting things like "GO USA! WE KILLED OSAMA" or creating or liking the Osama is dead Facebook page and there were others that posted more hopeful quotes. Ironically the two most popular ended up being wrongly quoted... One being a Mark Twain quote saying "I've never wished a man dead, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure" and of course the really funny MLK misquote. I chose silence.

As of recently...

2011-05-05T16:54:00.000-04:00

Cameron loves to brush his teeth.

If you tell him its time to brush his teeth he goes straight to the kids bathroom and hops up on the stool to grab his Elmo tooth brush. He also likes sipping from the little Dixie cups that next to the sink.

He isn't speaking much although he attempts to say sock, bottle, mama, dada, and sissy..

He is at a very fun age.

The Jade lately....

2011-05-05T15:22:00.001-04:00

Loves pop music like The Black Eyed Peas, Beyonce, and MGMT.
Loves gadgets and will spend hours on the iPad just goofing off. Also loves video games like Portal and Little Big Planet.
Is asking for a FB to communicate with her best friend, Nico. Oy Vey.
Watches back to back episodes of Cupcake Wars and is now just as excited as me for the Cupcake Craw l we are attending.

Find Peace.

2011-05-04T16:56:00.001-04:00

This Sunday is Mothers Day.

I have been asked a few times now what I would like for Mothers Day and all I can come up with is a small request of silence.
The last few months have been incredibly hard. I finally got to a point in my photography where I was beginning to feel comfortable with my turn around and delivery time, happy with my final product, and overall business practices and then a refund demand was placed. I am not going to go into details about it as it is unnecessary but the stress I have felt over it has been horrible.
I am just hoping for some quiet and peace this Mothers Day. I don't feel that becoming a Mother entitles me to anything. So what? A child came out of my body.... I am not special... but on Sunday, I will be......

Shhhhh, my children.... Shhhhh.

The Cupcake Party

2011-04-26T16:29:00.001-04:00

I had a party at my house last weekend that was all about cupcakes.

Each attendee baked a cupcake, decorated it, and then brought it by for a sampling.

The cupcake I made was a Milk & Cookies cupcake.

The butter cream was Magnolia's recipe, the cake was of Duff Goldman fame and the topping was just a chocolate chip cookie... It was out of control AMAZING!

We enjoyed.

Chocolate cupcakes with peanut butter icing and filled with a Reeses's peanut butter cup
Cannoli Cupcakes
Some crazy alcoholic cupcake that my sister made...
Blueberry Cupcakes

He is active

2011-04-26T16:20:00.000-04:00

source

Cameron is on the move.
He is at that terrible phase where he will stand at my feet, grab my shirt and try to pull his way on to my hip.
While I know when this phase is over I will miss it dearly, right now its so annoying.
Why is it so annoying?
I am usually cooking when he is doing this and that means I am busy moving around and trying to contain very hot food items... He also will drag his body around with me as I move. And as I balance the baby at my feet and the pot in my hand I picture terrible scenes of scalding hot water hitting his sweet little baby head.

The twos are coming.

Inspired Today

2011-04-22T16:59:00.002-04:00

Untitled by stephmansueto featuring platform ankle boots

She.

2011-04-21T13:11:00.001-04:00

A long time ago when I was blogging in a more controlled and private world, I wrote about me.

I wrote angry posts about married life and my ex's love for video games. I wrote about sex and falling in love.

I wrote about my divorce and my depression that followed.

I shared details about my therapy and my past.

Here, I don't do that.

Why?

Girlie Inspire.

2011-04-14T13:15:00.005-04:00

if i could, i would keep this feeling in a plastic jar.

2011-04-11T12:13:00.002-04:00

The Sunshine.

The sun is amazing right now. After a weekend hanging in Orlando with friends and family all I want to do is run around on the shore and lay on the beach. Being stuck in this office with its boring florescent lights isn't cutting it.

Even castles made of sand, fall into the sea eventually.

2011-04-08T12:27:00.002-04:00

I always get jealous when I see pictures from West Coast beaches that look like this. When I went to California in 2001, I fell in love with their beaches. Florida beaches, while beautiful are generally flat and boring. Or at least that is my opinion.

The closest thing we have to a rocky shore in South Florida (that I have found) is in the inlet in Boynton Beach.

That is where I shot the Trash the Dress session and where I snapped this picture of the girls four years ago and this image was snapped of me around the same time.

I went back on Tuesday to get some pictures of the kids and we left drenched in salt water and covered in sand.

Cameron had to be chased away from the shore and several times he fell face first into the water. He was happy.

Here are some of the best shots from that day...

The Three Years of Silence...

2011-04-07T11:45:00.000-04:00

In 2008, I moved in with Chris. We had no cable. Actually if I were to be completely honest, we didn't even pay for internet our first year together. We hijacked an open network from a Linksys router for the first year and the second year we hijacked from "Andrew" until he decided to lock it up forcing us to finally start paying. The three years that we were under one roof we spent a lot of time streaming Netflix to our living room TV where we watched the entire series of "Lost", countless movies, "Cake Boss", "No Reservations", and everything under the sun. We did watch some Hulu a few times but mostly to catch up on "Wipeout" and other misc shows. We also watched The Daily Show + The Colbert Report on Comedy Central's website.

Well now that I am in the Delray apartment I wanted, needed, craved some time wasting TV. And I got it! I got HBO! I have the Food Network! And I have crap crime TV shows!

This is awesome..

Last night while I trying to be productive I stopped to sit on the couch and skim the DVR. I ended up watching Cupcake Wars, The Closer, and The Daily Show.

It has been liking waking up from a three year silence.

I felt like a true American!

Its all natural.

2011-04-06T16:54:00.000-04:00

No matter how much I want to use artificial light, I never do.

I shot a wedding in March and at that wedding we had three 1600 watt umbrella lights set up to enhance our images. I barely used them. I hated the recharge time in between shots.

Had I been so dependent on artificial light I would have missed this shot...

This shot was the third in a series of five shots that were the shutter was hit quickly.

The first shot was when the light fired and that shot the pedals were barely spread out. This one was perfect and you know what? I am so happy with it. Here are few shots of Cameron that were taken inside my living room, near the sliders, and no lighting edits made.

The Big Farewell.

2011-03-31T15:30:00.000-04:00

The April Challenge..

2011-03-28T14:39:00.000-04:00

The sting of the apartment expenses is definitely starting to make an impact. I am seeing my bank account dip lower than it has in over two years and with no photography work on the horizon it doesn't look like it will get any better. Also my company recently went from weekly paychecks to bi-weekly so now I am re budgeting myself to accommodate this change. I went over my mint account to see what amount of unnecessary spending I did in March and it was not too crazy but it was more than needed. In going out meals I spent $125.37. That included lunches.
In unnecessary stops to the grocery store due to bad meal planning I spent $484. This whole thing got me wondering...what have I spent over the last year... so I pulled it up and ran a report. My spending since October of 2009 on coffee alone has been over $2,000. My combine spending on food, alcohol, and dining? $14,050! That is more than my car. I got my car in October of 2009... so since I got my car I have spent the cost of my car eating out and drinking coffee. Come on... Really? What the hell?

So for the month of April I am taking a challenge.

I will not eat out once during the entire month of April.
I will not run to the grocery store in the middle of the week unless I have ran out of something (milk, eggs, bread).
I will plan every meal ahead of time to avoid unnecessary buying at the market.
I will limit my coffee shop intake to one coffee a week. So I better make it count.

I think I can do this..... I really do.

Summer Comes...

2011-03-22T14:28:00.000-04:00

The kids were on Spring Break last week and unfortunately because of my commitment to work (ha) I was not able to spend the weekdays with them.

But we did have a blast over the weekend. On Sunday we went to the community pool in our neighborhood and did some major amounts of splashing around.

Here are some pictures from that day...

They Skate...

2011-03-22T14:11:00.000-04:00

My children love skateboards.. Here are some pictures from this weekend when they were enjoying gliding around on one of the Stone boards.

The Farmers Market

2011-03-22T13:50:00.000-04:00

On Sunday we took a trip to Davie to visit Marando Farms. The farm has fresh produce, baked goods, jams, and animals that you can pet! 

They had goose eggs... FYI!

I bought a blood orange. And squeezed it and added alcohol to it.....

Margaritas!!!! Bam!

Graduating to the big boy tub...

2011-03-16T10:53:00.000-04:00

Cameron has outgrown the sink.

Scary.

Back to the barn.

2011-03-15T17:10:00.002-04:00

My little pumpkins...

My quest for the perfect cupcake....

2011-03-15T17:01:00.001-04:00

I definitely don't remember my very first cupcake. 

But I do remember my first amazing cupcake.

I began eating cupcakes like a fanatic sometime in 2003. 

I had my first Magnolia cupcake that year and immediately, was hooked.

I have made them several times at home but they are never as good as they are after standing in that long line...

See.. Mine don't look nearly as good.

Here are some of my favorite cupcakes...

The mini cupcakes at Sweet! By Good Golly Miss Holly in Orlando, FL

House of Sweets

The Jean Paul Peanutier at Cupcake Couture in Delray Beach, FL

The classic vanilla at Buttercup Bakeshop in NYC. 

They are the same recipe as Magnolia but smaller and you can buy more of them... And there is no line.

And of course....

The classic vanilla and red velvet at Magnolia Bakery in NYC.  

In everything in life I pick chocolate... 

But when it comes to cupcakes... I am all about vanilla.

I am hungry now.

I will settle for Starbucks cake pops... a la Bakerella...

Move those feet...

2011-03-15T15:14:00.000-04:00

Last week I wrote that Cameron refused to walk... well just after I hit enter on that post, he started sprinting. He is walking everywhere now. He is on his feet more than he is crawling... Go little man!

Pictures of my kids...

2011-03-15T14:39:00.000-04:00

Jade Ana

Brooklyn Ava

 Cameron Tully

And as always there are more on my Flickr Photostream....

Go Green.

2011-03-14T15:49:00.001-04:00

Our life in Delray is pretty sweet.

On Saturday the girls, Cam, & I met up with Cameron's grandma to watch the St. Patty's Day parade in Downtown Delray.

Cameron loved the firetrucks.

He is getting so big and is now walking around entirely on his own.

Its happy times in our little Delray world.

Lonely + Funky Moods Make Money That Never Existed Go Bye-Bye.

2011-03-11T16:04:00.001-05:00

Source

I have been so good lately.

My money has been spent on only things it needs to be spent on. Food, bills, and that is it.

I set a very strict coffee budget and I have really followed it. $30 a week... and not a dollar more.

Most days I have made my D&D drink at home and skipped the afternoon run to Starbucks altogether.

That was... until today...

My company recently switched to bi-weekly pay so I didn't get the usual direct deposit in my account today.. so of course during this brief transition my budget is even tighter.

I am not saying I went out and spent a lot of money, I didn't. I really didn't.

This afternoon I walked a clothing store near my house. I left with two tops that I don't need. The cost? $26.96

I went out to lunch after a whole month of brown bagging. The cost? $5.83 after a $2 coupon printed from the restaurants website.

Not bad, right?

But I still spent it.

I was feeling a little low and I guess I needed something.

A night of bad T.V and red wine may help too.

Either way, I now have two new tops and a belly full of restaurant food.

I guess its OK...

Hey.. I have leftovers! Thats good, right?

Find your own path as your individual sense tells you. If you only do what others do, you're not being who you are supposed to be; you're being who others have determined you should be.

2011-03-09T16:34:00.000-05:00

The Sun Always Rises

2011-03-08T11:41:00.000-05:00

03.05.2011

On Saturday morning, just before we indulged in some easy doughnuts, we went to Atlantic Beach for some sunrise shots.

Impromptu, yes... Worth it? Definitely.

We Renaissance

2011-03-05T15:09:00.001-05:00

Every year the Renaissance Festival comes and we say we will go. But every weekend its here we find some excuse to not go.

This year we broke that patter, shelled out the money for the tickets, and hit the festival....

Yea... never again.

$60 later and all we had to show for it were two crowns, one turkey leg, two Aquafina waters (I gag), and two tickets into the complicated maze that took Brooklyn + Jade less than a minute to figure out.

I don't think I will make plans to go next year....

P.S No beer was consumed.

Easy Saturday Doughnuts

2011-03-05T09:29:00.001-05:00

The first time I made these doughnuts, I felt lazy.

And like a cheat. Sure I fried them myself, coated them in sugar + cinnamon but did I take the time to make the dough... nope.

I got a box er tube of processed Pilsbury homestyle biscuits, cut some holes in with Mama's favorite shot glass, and fried those babies up in a pot filled with Canola oil. Coated those bad boys in some sugar and cinnamon and voila..... "Mommy is the best cook in the world!!"

Oh yea...

Lies. Lies.

I remember growing up my Grandfather would make Broccoli Cheddar soup and it was TO DIE FOR! I remember getting older and wondering what complicated recipe he might have in store for me when I ask for it. I couldn't wait to make it for my kids.. And so I asked. He hesitated, knowing very well that he was about to blow my mind and possibly disappoint me.

What was in that soup?

A can of cream of chicken and a bag of frozen broccoli florets?? Really?

oh sorry.. to jazz it up he would put grated cheddar on top! That is it!? After years of culinary admiration it was a can of insanely high sodium CREAM OF CHICKEN soup!

My daughters will be equally disappointed when they get older and they find out Mama's famous doughnuts that come around only once in awhile are full of LIES!

The Miami Woes + The Dick Neighbor

2011-03-04T11:30:00.002-05:00

Sometime in September of 2009, after months of battles with our neighbor in Miami we were allowed to bring our dog, Barley back to our apartment. We battled with the man who owned the apartment next door to us but had subleased half of it out as a studio and used the other half as a workspace. He is also the rightful owner of the parking space directly in front of our kids bedroom window.

I went to Miami late one night. Cameron was passed out in the car, there was no street parking. Having allowed my residential sticker to run out and seeing as it was late and he doesn't live there and I was living first thing in the morning I thought that maybe... just maybe I would be OK. SO I parked there.. dumb move on my part. But yea, I did.

Well let's give a little back story. We have friends that have come over and parked in that spot. They don't live there, they don't contribute to the building, or socialize with the neighbors so I can understand why he gets so irate with them. And lots of them have been told to not park there.

And they still do.

So he calls the tow trucks. The tow trucks come.

Its my fault. My stupidity. I should not have parked there. I guess in my middle of the night cloudy mindset I thought "What could happen?" He doesn't even LIVE here! He is home sleeping, right? Or he will know its my car, knock on the back door and maybe ask me if I could move my car BEFORE calling the tow truck and expecting us to shell out $ to get my car back? Yea.. no, he doesn't care.

Goodbye Shoes

2011-03-04T10:54:00.000-05:00

Cameron says Bye-Bye to his orange Nike's.

Cameron is still not actively walking.  He can walk but he won't walk, you might call him lazy.  He takes a few steps and then decides crawling will get him to his destination a lot faster. 

A few mornings ago while rushing to get out of the door, I started scrambling to find Cameron's shoes. Under the dining room table was the right Nike he has been wearing for a few months now. But where was the left?

 It was missing.
And after three long days of no shoes at day care, dirty socks, and bare feet, I am convinced he threw it in the trash and I threw it in the dumpster.
 
Cameron now needs new shoes. 
I am thinking Vans. 


At this point I am thinking anything that will get the kid to walk.

Make it happen...

2011-03-03T16:22:00.000-05:00

I am not alone, I know this. But.... It is hard to convince yourself that this is true when you pass out alone on the couch three nights in a row. How can you not feel alone? What would have made it sadder would be if a tub of ice cream was nestled on my chest... instead of ice cream there was a plate of chocolate chip cookies... whats the difference?

I've never lived alone. I have had roommates and boyfriends and a husband... but never without another adult companion. I know there are children there and that is all well and good but its still lonely.

I am getting through it, its just an adjustment.

Thanks to Chris I have a fridge full of beers to help pass the loneliness.

Weekend, I will see you tomorrow.

Wake up! Wake up! Its the 1st of the Month. Its time to get up.

2011-03-01T17:15:00.000-05:00

source

I have not been able to find the time to blog this month.

I can't understand why.

Things haven't been insanely busy...

I moved to the apartment in Delray and have been enjoying an easier way of things.. No fighting for parking, washer/dryer in the house, and closer to the girls school + their daddy.

February brought some ups and downs though.

First off, Jade was in the hospital for one.

She was there for almost a whole week.

We are in the process of healing and getting healthy again.

She has a ton of energy that kid, must be all the steroids. Ha. :)

I took a trip to Orlando to photograph Ania + Jesse's Wedding. Every wedding 

gets easier and easier.  Now if only I could actually make money doing it..

It truly feels like a Catch 22.  I can't give my wedding photography the attention it deserves while working a full time job.  But I can't quit my full time job until I am making enough photography money.  So what is a girl to do?   I really don't know...

I did some fun photo shooting with friends at a random barn in Delray this past weekend.

At least I am shooting

More soon.... 

She came to my city and we had fun.

2011-02-11T16:59:00.001-05:00

In 2000 I began blogging. I was 18, just beginning a life on my own and I had a lot to say.
I began my blogging journey on www.livejournal.com
Where I would write about boys, clothes, T.V, and well... boys. I made lots of friends on livejournal. Friends that I have connected with only through various social networking sites and friends I have traveled to meet or have traveled to meet me.
This past weekend it was Becki.

Becki came to Miami. And we had lots of fun.

On Saturday I jam packed a day of skateboarding, picture taking, eating, and occasional drinking.

We hung out in parks.

Becki enjoyed the sun.

We tried to figure out why Jimbo's existed.

We lounged.

And we ate a lot of Shake Shack's Shroom Burger